Being a Politician for Dummies

The past few months have been a nauseating reminder of the caliber of individual who tends to seek out political office.  The sad part is, so many incidents of idiocy could be prevented with some basic cliff notes for politicians.  They rely on prepared speeches for addresses and public commentary.  That’s why they usually sound so intelligent, fair and upstanding.  It stands to reason they would require a resource for the do’s and don’t do’s of life as an elected official.  I think the publisher of those ‘Dummies’ books needs to get on the stick with this one.  They’ve already done “Politics for Dummies”, but that really just helps those of us who aren’t politicians figure out the process and get to the root of what candidates and our elected officials are about.  Politicians themselves have been neglected and there is apparently no greater dummy in this world in need of some instruction.

I have a few suggestions of what should be included in the book.

  • If you require an unusually wide stance for ‘going #2’, opt for the handicapped stall in the airport restroom as it is easier to explain a rectal disability than your foot dancing up a possible gigolos ankle.
  • If relations with a hooker are essential to your well being, be sure your booty call fee includes partial rights to the book and screen play that will eventually be written about you.
  • If you are only concerned about giving taxpayers the impression you are being responsible with their money and not handing it out willy-nilly part of the time, do it with the $800 billion bailouts and not the $15 billion.
  • If you are corrupt, teach your cronies to speak in Pig Latin so at least it’s not so obvious when you are rying-tay to ell-say a enate-Say eat-say.
  • If you find a young Senate page attractive and are inspired to text him telling him so, be sure to throw in an inquiry if his dad is by chance single.  The page got his looks from somewhere.  Maybe you’ll get lucky and someone your own age will fit the bill.
  • When sharing with the American people how the House of Representatives is working tirelessly to solve a mounting crisis of catastrophic proportions, refrain from wearing a giant pearl choker.  It just looks like you are grinning twice.
  • If a microphone is within 100 yards of you, assume it is on and save any asinine remarks that may be begging for release for the next time you are alone in the shower.

Well, that’s what I have for now.  Anyone who wishes to add to the list is welcome to do so.

2 Responses to “Being a Politician for Dummies”

  1. Kristin says:

    Nope. I think that you got it just about covered.

  2. Tricia says:

    Well, this is simply brilliant and I think you should just go ahead and write the book yourself!